Random thoughts of a wandering traveller...

Unworthy...

2010-05-17T15:45:00.001-04:00

Unworthy. The word stings with negative connotations. Yet, it is this word that stirs up a glimmer of hope in my heart.

Unworthy. Living each day as a gift from Christ is a challenge, one I fall short of day-in and day-out. This isn't meant to be a pity-party or woe-is-me session, but a realization that in my desire to seek Christ, I will and do fail.

Unworthy...to approach the Throne of God. Approaching it, even the mere thought, brings fear and uncertainty. What if I don't measure up? What if, despite my efforts, I still miss out on what Christ desires me to do? What if what I thought was confirmation of the Holy Spirit was really deception from an entirely opposite source?

***So, I stopped writing this post about five minutes ago to answer the phone. Yes, I'm multi-tasking and blogging at work.***

It was a hotline call from a gay youth who has been going through a rough time with his faith. I was gearing up for a lot of listening, when he asked if I would be ok if he prayed for me. He soon began to pray, lifting up me, the GCN staff, our families, and the work we're doing. He also said that he felt led to let me know that the worries and struggles I'm going through right now will be resolved in God's timing, and not my own, and that I needed to just keep on keeping on.

Unworthy. Yet, Christ still speaks, still leads, still moves.

Thanks be to God!

Love the sinner....

2009-09-06T13:15:00.004-04:00

I was spending some time the other day, well, wasting time is actually what I was doing.....wasting time on YouTube. I watched one of my favorite clips, one by Dr. Tony Campolo, where he talks about the phrase "Love the sinner, but hate his/her sin." Dr. Campolo states that the statement is interesting, because it's the opposite of what Christ taught, which was love the sinner and hate your own sin....and once you've dealt with the sin in your own life, then you are able to deal with the sin in the other person's life. Initially, I was all like "that's awesome" and "sweet", and I left it at that.

Well, this is something that has really been going over and over in my heart and mind. I kept praying for guidance and understanding....perhaps I was just over-analyzing. Then, Christ helped me see things from another perspective. As a side-note, I love it when He does that....gets me everytime, leaving me in awe and wonder (while feeling totally and completely foolish, which helps me lean on Him even more). Anyway, I started looking over the life of Christ. I've been re-reading the Gospels as part of my daily study time, so it's all very fresh in my memory. I kept hearing Dr. Campolo's interpretation of what Christ said, and yet I kept reading about Christ approaching others about their sin and telling them to repent and move forward. Then......the light went on. Of course Christ was telling people to repent of their sins, and confronted people concerning their sins. Unlike everyone else, Christ was (and is) blameless, unmarked by sin, the only one who is fully capable of telling any one of us to turn from our ways and sin no more. An astoundingly simple observation, but one that is so profound.

I look back on the story of the woman caught in adultery. The Pharisees and teachers of the law bring this woman, caught in adultery, before Christ, asking Him if they should stone her to death, per what the law required of them. Christ takes some time, writing something in the sand, and then says that the one among them without sin can cast the first stone. They all leave, dumbfounded, and Christ forgives the woman and tells her to repent and live her life anew, free from the burden she'd been carrying her entire life.

Dumbfounded......I am dumbfounded, as the Pharisees and teachers of the law were then....how many times do I pronounce judgement on a brother or sister in Christ, when I still have so much to work through and submit to Christ? I am embarrassed to think of what that number might be...quite large, I imagine. Granted, it's much easier for me to focus on the problems and faults of others. I mean, hey, that's less time to focus on what I should be doing. Unfortunately, the road I have chosen and the road I have been called to is not an easy one. Living life in two "houses", not being accepted into either (at least by the other residents), is not simple. I am a fool,according to some of my gay brothers and sisters, for continuing to devote my life to Christ...this same Christ Who's followers (some) have brought so much pain and hurt. I then have my Christian brothers and sisters (some) who cannot fathom the possibility that one's Faith in Christ trumps their sexual orientation. And there I am, a Child of God, a member of both houses, who feels pulled in every direction and attempts, with every fiber of my being, to keep my eyes on Christ, the Author and Perfecter of my Faith. His opinion is the only one that matters.

While cheesy, this song really hit home when I listened to it this week. No matter what is going on life, even when I feel pulled every which way, Christ is the one I will keep my eyes on, for He is the only one I can look to for guidance, wisdom, and direction.

"After all my strength is gone, in You I can be strong."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwlEkiiREFA

A great sermon...

2009-06-28T13:39:00.002-04:00

I found this online earlier today and thought it would be great to share! It's a sermon on homosexuality done by a pastor in Kansas. He neither condemns it or fully accepts it, but desires discussion to happen. A very honest and Christ-centered message, imo.

Click here for the sermon!

Bridging the Gap - One House, Many Rooms...

2009-06-24T11:00:00.006-04:00

The Body of Christ is one of many, many parts. Many are familiar with the denominational differences - Baptists, Anglicans, Catholics, Methodists, Episcopalians, Congregationalists, and many more. More differences enter into the mix when you include location, social status, race, gender, and even sexuality. Addressing the issue that the topic of sexuality brings to the Body is one that churches and the Christian LGBT community have battled back and forth on for years. For many, the divisions caused in this struggle seem unfixable, irreversible. Those on both "sides" of the battle have written books, created organizations/ministries, and more in their struggle for victory. I would like to offer another option....some food for thought...

Believe it or not, despite the differences present on both sides, there is one massively important similarity - Jesus Christ. Christ, the Foundation upon which we all stand, the Rock of our Faith, our Wonderful Counselor, King of Kings, Prince of Peace....the very reason we have our faith to begin with...He is the only one who can unite and help heal the wounded and build up the Body. The Apostle Paul writes,

"It was He who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the Body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."

Ephesians 4:11-16 NIV

So often I find myself falling into that infant category, blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. In my humble opinion, the best way to create bridges and move towards unity within the Body of Christ is for each of us to continually focus on Christ, our Foundation, our Unifier. When that happens, when we become that unified Body of Christ (yes, still with differences) that edifies and builds itself up, we will be able to move forward in loving and showing grace to not only the LGBT community, but each and every group that we have shied away from in the past.

C.S. Lewis sums it up well...

"It is more like a hall out of which doors open into several rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I attempted. But it is in the rooms, not in the hall, that there are fires and chairs and meals. The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in. For that purpose the worst of the rooms (whichever that may be) is, I think, preferable. It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not as camping. You must keep on praying for light: and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house...When you have reached your own room, be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall. If they are wrong they need your prayers all the more; and if they are your enemies, then you are under orders to pray for them. That is one of the rules common to the whole house."

Taken from Mere Christianity

Heavenly Father, as we move forward to unity in Your house, grant each and every one of us wisdom and discernment as we move out of our comfort zones to follow Your Will. Grant us ears to hear, hearts to understand, and the words to say (when necessary, and always in Your love). You are our Saviour, our Rock, and our Unifier. In Jesus Christ's name, Amen!

*This blog post is part of the Bridging the Gap Synchroblog Event. For more information, go to http://btgproject.blogspot.com/

The Master's Cleanse...Day One...

2009-05-21T18:19:00.000-04:00

Words come quickly, and for one such as I, talking is something I enjoy doing. This can be a blessing, but more often than not, it can be a burden. Filled with the overwhelming desire to speak, I have said many things I should not have...things that have hurt friends, family, and strangers alike. Granted, I've also said things that have been kind and loving. As James says, from the same mouth comes forth blessing and cursing.

Roughly a month ago, I took ten days to "cleanse" my body of "toxins" - the Master Cleanse. Drinking nothing but a cocktail of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water, I spent those ten days fighting off urges to eat what I was used to eating. After it was finished, I felt great...looking forward to my healthier life. Within a week, I was back to the on-and-off junk food routine. It was shocking to see how simple it was to fall right back into the old habits.

In 1 Peter, we are told of the glorious Word - the Word that was preached to us. We are told of the redeeming power of the blood of Christ. Not gold, not silver, but Christ. It's all very encouraging. Then, as I was reading on BibleGateway, I hit the "advance to the next chapter" button.

"Therefore,"....ok, what's next..."rid yourselves of all malice and deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."

Ok....well then. Huh. Malice and deceit? Hypocrisy? Envy? Slander? I struggle with all of those things. In fact, I don't struggle with some of them at all - I've just accepted them into my life. I've accepted the fact that there are times when I feel "justified" in saying one thing and doing another. There are times when I resent the opportunities, things, etc. that someone else has. I even feel justified, at times, to slander others....even those I claim to care about. What is wrong with this picture? To be honest, it almost sounds like I'm relying on myself to provide that spiritual food....that nourishment for my soul. That is bound to be unhealthy.

I think a cleanse is in order...one of the spiritual variety. A cleanse of that malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy, slander, and whatever other "toxins" are lingering around in my system....the "comfort foods" of my human nature. It's going to be difficult, I know that much. It's going to be worth it, too.

Day one...cleansing the system...unsure, hopeful, and praying for what will replace what is removed...

"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For,

"All men are like grass,

and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;

the grass withers and the flowers fall,

but the word of the Lord stands forever."

And this is the word that was preached to you.

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."

1 Peter 1:18-2:3 NIV

Day One....holy freakin' crap...

2009-04-16T17:30:00.001-04:00

This post is going to stray FAR from what I usually blog about....mostly cause I just need to blog about what will be going on in the next several days.

I have decided...to do....the "Master Cleanse," which, btw, I think is a completely ridiculous name. For those of you who don't know, the MC is a detox program designed to "rid one's body of toxins" through a modified diet of, well, a very interesting lemonade concoction, consisting of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. Yeah....totally freakin' ridiculous.

After several months of reading up on this thing, I've decided to go for it. I'm doing the 10 day length and am going in with the goal for refocusing my eating habits post-cleanse. I am WAY too big of a processed foods, high in sugar, crap food fan. Time for a shift, and I'm shifting with a shock.

So, I made the lemonade last night for today. Waking up this morning, I was feeling energetic, even excited to try this out for 10 days. So, I sit down to my first glass of lemonade (which I will now be calling Lemony Fire Water) and...yeah...it's pretty intense. Doesn't taste terrible, but it's definitely the cayenne pepper that gives the big kick. But....at 8am...my resolve is strong.

Fast forward to 4:30pm....my resolve is not as strong. I'm now thinking of how I will stop the cleanse today, pig out on crappy food tonight, and start over tomorrow. I then browse the circular ad for a grocery store to see what I can get on sale. Yeah, bad idea. I'm not hungry. My stomach isn't growling or anything, and the Lemony Fire Water contains enough calories to sustain my "needs." I just am craving something to chew....and that happens to be something terribly unhealthy for me. So, I fight off the cravings and drink more LFW.

This is going to be a long 10 days. Let's hope it's worth it.

The profound mystery...

2009-03-29T10:04:00.000-04:00

We had prepared for this moment.

We knew he'd been waiting.

How will this turn out?

.....

My grandfather is enthralled by the possibility for debate and discussion. One subject that he loves to discuss is religion/faith. Based on phone calls prior to arriving in Vegas, my mom and I were fairly prepared for the inevitable - he'd been studying and wanted to debate.

This morning, over breakfast, IT happened.

"How do you know you're right?" he asked.

"You know that Jews, Christians, and Muslims could all be right?" he states with a chuckle, awaiting our responses.

My mother immediately tenses up. I can see it in her eyes. She speaks with passion, "But what is THE difference? It's Jesus, and we know that He is the Foundation....they don't."

I sit, for the moment, in silence. I know my grandfather's type. They're loud, they're intelligent, and they've studied up on the subject far before any discussion took place. I know that the arguments from the side of Faith are worthless in his eyes. He wants proof, not words. Evidence, not feelings.

That being said, I also note that there is another presence in the room as well...One that is not bound by analytical proofs and research studies and degrees...

After more discussion, I feel the need to explain why our discussing isn't really going anywhere...for my sake, for my mom's sake, and especially for his sake.

"You know, one thing you're going to have to research..." I start to say.

He interrupts with, "Yes, I'm sure I will."

"...the one thing you're going to have to research is faith. There comes a point where knowledge ends and faith begins."

He interrupts again with, "Yes, I know. You'd have to be pretty stupid to think that faith has nothing to do with it."

Again, I continue. "I know that you know. However, this is something you're going to have to discover on your own. No amount of proofs, studies, or books on the subject will get you to where you feel you need to be. Yes, I realize that the possibility exists that I might be wrong. However, that doesn't stop me from having faith to believe in what I believe, DESPITE the possibility for error."

He stops for a moment.

"Well, Nathaniel, I'm searching. I may not find what I'm looking for, but I am searching."

My mom, overwhelmed with emotion and love for her father, starts to cry. "Dad, I love you so much."

I look over at my mom and give her a look, one that conveys the truth that nothing she says will move him to take that leap...that leap that IS most difficult for his type, the intelligent and highly educated.

I hope and pray that he does find what he's searching for (or being drawn to) someday. Until then, I choose to live as an example.....one that contradicts the harsh and argumentative image of Christians that he so despises....one that is quick to listen, love, and support him as he researches this mystery of Faith.

*All that being said, this is in no way saying that I have somehow arrived. My Faith is filled with questions, doubt, and study...working out my faith with fear and trembling.

..............................................

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:

'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;

the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.'

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.' "

1 Corinthians 1:18-31 NIV

It's the kicker....

2009-03-27T16:42:00.001-04:00

This weekend finds me in Las Vegas spending time with family. I have spent most of today with my grandpa, driving up to Mount Charleston and spending time in the beauty of God's creation.

My grandpa is not a Christian (from what I know), but has been taking more of an interest in studying faith. On the way to and from the mountain today, he had many questions of what I thought of "Fundamental Christians"....of which I assume he meant Fundamentalist Christians. Now, in today's society, there is this connotation with the word "fundamentalist" that brings to mind the fundamentalist Muslims (as the press calls them) who hijacked those planes and crashed them into the WTC several years back. After telling my grandpa that, he said "Nathaniel, whether it's Christians, Jews, or Muslims....if they identify as fundamentalist, they tend to be a very violent people."

Yes, I realize that is a very broad statement, but for most....it's the "violent ones" who make the most noise and are heard/noticed.

On the way back from the mountain, after another round of "fundamentalist Christian" talk, he brought up the Lord's Prayer and asked me if I knew what the "kicker" was....to which I responded "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."

"THAT, Nathaniel, is the kicker!" he said.

"Easier said than done," I replied.

"Ohhhhhhh, yeah!"

I am a conservative Christian. I tend to lean "to the right" on most "issues" of the Faith. I also will defend the "fundamentals" of my faith to my dying breath. Does that make me a Fundamentalist?

Christ's example leads me to believe that a life of forgiving others, regardless of if they deserve it, will lead to a sort of "self-death." Some of Christ's final words included forgiving those who were killing him, for "they know not what they do."

...

There are no words adequate enough to summarize the immense magnitude of those words. All I can do is seek to live out even a glimmer of that level of forgiveness, knowing full well that yes, I will fall at times.....but that I should NEVER stop forgiving.

Perhaps, one day, Christians will once again shine that example of forgiveness (even when it doesn't make sense).....an example that will draw others in, curious as to this Saviour who takes us all AS WE ARE for HE has already paid the price.

Quite a kicker to be sure.

Peace that passes understanding...

2009-02-07T00:21:00.000-05:00

Show me the way

wherein I am to walk

Action moves me beyond talk

Show me the Truth

on which I can stand

as I trust You with my hand

Show me the Life

as the tears begin to stream,

sorrow and strife You came to redeem

Show me You

Help me to repent and to proclaim

The magnificent glories of Your Name

- L.N.

This past week, a close friend of mine shared this poem that she wrote - it moved me beyond words. To be completely honest, it has taken several days to process those words. The first stanza is what got to me, especially the part about action moving us beyond talk.

To add to the contemplation, part of my Scripture reading for today was in James 3. This chapter is commonly referenced to teach about taming the tongue. However, once you move past that portion of the text, it speaks about two types of wisdom - wisdom from Heaven and wisdom of the earth. And THEN....moving past that....there is this line..."Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

That's it...one line...

So, what do these two things have to do with each other, the poem and the passage?

Action moves us beyond talk.

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Many of us love to talk about being peaceful. We all love to throw around the "P-word" as if we all know something about it. And, to be completely honest, I'm sure all of us know at least part of what "peace" is. If one looks up the definition of "peace", the first definition is listed as (according to Dictionary.com) "the normal, nonwaring condition of a nation, group of nations, or the world." Down the list of definitions, at number nine, is this definition - "silence; stillness." It is so easy for us to speak of peace when it comes to waring nations, arguing friends, or a family disagreement. However, for most of us, this is all talk. It's so easy for us to speak of peace, of right and wrong, etc.. I, myself, in typing this am doing a fair amount of talking. But, when I'm personally attacked, I tend to stray from my "peace-seeking" ways and find ways to retaliate.

What is it that can stir that action that will move us beyond talk? It is wisdom, not of the earthly variety, but of the Heavenly. Wisdom that is "first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere." (James 3:17)

Submissive?

Impartial?

WHAT?

I can handle being pure, peace-loving, considerate, sincere....and I could even choke down being full of mercy. But submissive and impartial? But what if I am attacked for pursuing a road of peace? What if people disagree with me? What if I agree with one view and despise the other? I don't understand...

That may be the point.

In his letter to the Philippeans, Paul says, "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:5-7)

I realize this is easier said than done, and I realize that I have and will fail at seeking to live a road of peace. I've been cranky lately, on edge, irritable...definitely not in a "mood" to be pursuing a road of peace. However, despite the difficulties, at least in my opinion, it's worth it! I want that peace that doesn't make sense....that peace that will guide me when attacks are flying from every direction...the peace that will keep me still, despite the waves and wind crashing around me.

Lord Jesus, show me Your way and give me Your wisdom to lead me to actions that are beyond talk.

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

James 3:13-18 NIV

The value of the seemingly unpleasant...

2009-01-31T11:45:00.002-05:00

In one of my favorite films, The Hours, one of the characters is asked why one of the characters in her book has to die. She responds by saying "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more."

When I first heard that line, I was as if I had been hit by a bus. I had never thought of death in such a fashion...death, serving as a means to add value to life. Valuing the life that a passed loved one had, valuing the life we have at this very moment...this is something that we rarely ever stop to think about. When something tragic happens, we tend to focus on the negative, the loss, the seemingly unpleasant nature of it all.

Last night, while discussing Faith with Tyler, the conversation led to how there are times when I feel that I've hit a "dry spell" in my relationship with Christ, a time where even when I am seeking Him, I feel distanced...alone. Yes, deep down I know that I'm not alone; He is always there. However, it seems that there are times when His Voice seems to be silent...his Presence seems to be distant. It is in these moments that I find myself longing for even a glimmer of Him, a whiff of His presence, some sort of sign that He has not abandoned me. I then start to question things....am I doing what He wants me to do? Is there something I should do differently? Is He really there at all? Deep down, I know the answers....yet, the questions still remain. So I study, I pray, I cry out to Him.....longing to hear that still small Voice whispering back to me "I am here. I've been here, with you, by your side this whole time."

Yet...there is nothing. No Voice in this barren wasteland. So...I keep seeking.

It is also very interesting to notice that the evidences of His presence are all around. I see His handiwork all around...moving....working. There is no doubt in my mind that He is there....but I still miss His presence.

Then, when I least expect it, He makes Himself known once more. It is an overwhelming feeling...a sweeping of emotions and love that washes over me. And it is in that moment that I know why I believe what I believe - now that I've experienced His presence, there is no turning back. Through dry spell after dry spell, He pulls me out and reminds me that it is at THOSE moments....my weakest, my most desperate, that He is glorified through me. His Strength is made perfect in my weakness. Praise the Lord for that resounding Truth!

As a Christian, it is now my belief that these dry spells of Faith happen for a reason - He distances Himself from us so that when we are past the dry spell, we appreciate and glorify Him all the more.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;

you are the praise of Israel.

In you our fathers put their trust;

they trusted and you delivered them.

They cried to you and were saved;

in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

But I am a worm and not a man,

scorned by men and despised by the people.

All who see me mock me;

they hurl insults, shaking their heads:

'He trusts in the Lord;

let the Lord rescue him.

Let him deliver him,

since he delights in him.'

Yet you brought me out of the womb;

you made me trust in you

even at my mother's breast.

From birth I was cast upon you;

from my mother's womb you have been my God.

Do not be far from me,

for trouble is near

and there is no one to help.

Many bulls surround me;

strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.

Roaring lions tearing their prey

open their mouths wide against me.

I am poured out like water,

and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart has turned to wax;

it has melted away within me.

My strength is dried up like a potsherd,

and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;

you lay me in the dust of death.

Dogs have surrounded me;

a band of evil men has encircled me,

they have pierced my hands and my feet.

I can count all my bones;

people stare and gloat over me.

They divide my garments among them

and cast lots for my clothing.

But you, O Lord, be not far off;

O my Strength, come quickly to help me.

Deliver my life from the sword,

my precious life from the power of the dogs.

Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;

save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

I will declare your name to my brothers;

in the congregation I will praise you.

You who fear the Lord, praise him!

All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!

Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!

For he has not despised or disdained

the suffering of the afflicted one;

he has not hidden his face from him

but has listened to his cry for help.

From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;

before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows.

The poor will eat and be satisfied;

they who seek the Lord will praise him -

may your hearts live forever!

All the ends of the earth

will remember and turn to the Lord,

and all the families of the nations

will bow down before him,

for dominion belongs to the Lord

and he rules over the nations.

All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;

all who go down to the dust will kneel before him -

those who cannot keep themselves alive.

Posterity will serve him;

future generations will be told about the Lord.

They will proclaim his righteousness

to a people yet unborn -

for he has done it."

Psalm 22 NIV

Keep on keepin' on....

2009-01-17T09:43:00.003-05:00

We all learn lessons. Sometimes they're easy to learn...and there are times when our stubbornness gets in the way and we have to take the hard way.

Roughly two weeks ago, I was preparing to leave for GCN's annual conference, held this year in Anaheim, CA. Things were rushed, hectic, and anything but peaceful. The day before I flew out, I had seizure number two. The next three hours were wiped from my memory and I came to in the ER...not worried about my health, but worried that I had missed my flight out to California.

I flew out to Cali, spent a day at Disneyland, and then began the rush that is a GCN Conference. Over 300 people descended upon the Sheraton Anaheim, and craziness ensued. I, in typical fashion, was attempting to do as much as possible....so as to not sit down and look like I wasn't helping. We started the first session and worship, through song, began. Michael, a dear friend and man of incredible talent, was leading worship. One of the songs we sang was one he composed on the flight out to California. Yeah, he's just that talented. I forgot the name of the song, but I remember what hit me the most was the words.

I will listen to Your Voice.

I'll lay down my pride.

Those first two lines struck me immensely. I looked around the room...from the back, since I, again in true form, was videotaping the session....and God asked, in that still, small voice....what do you see? Looking around the room, I didn't see people....I saw the reason for why I'm doing what I do. I saw the beauty of His Body - men, women, mothers, fathers, gay, straight, old, young, Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, NonDenom, Pastors, etc....it was 300+ people joined for one purpose and one purpose alone - to praise His name. There to boldly be a living example of the Power of the Gospel. Gay Christians....something this world has a hard time understanding. The gay community doesn't understand why we believe what we believe. The "church" doesn't deem us fit for the name "Christian." Suffice it to say, I was overwhelmed.

However, not to be taken off of my task, I stopped listening and went back to work....keeping busy, and that was that. Several days passed by, and I still wasn't stopping to hear His voice. I don't doubt that He was speaking through it all....I just didn't stop to hear.

Come Sunday morning, I was at my worst. We had a session at 10....I had to make sure I was there by 9:40...and nothing was going to stop me. Then, one of my roommates started to chat. He had been fairly quiet the whole time....but suddenly started to open up. Then, it was as if God hit me over the head with a 2x4. Since I was having a hard time stopping to listen to Him, He was going to put someone in my way to force me to sit down, shut up, and just listen. So....for an hour and a half, I did. Granted, I was squirming for the first 40 minutes....worried that I'd not get there on time or that I'd miss something. However, by the time I stopped freaking out, I realized what God was doing....and I felt fairly ashamed. I had become a Martha...and God wanted me to be more like Mary. Yes, I find the pun potential in that to be entertaining, but let's just leave that one aside for now. Once I did get to the General Session, I was in a fairly open and raw emotional state. God had called my bluff....and all bets were off.

Evelyn Schave was our speaker that morning. She, and her husband, have been ministering to the gay community for about 20 years. She's this small, unassuming Grandmother figure who comes from a Southern Pentecostal background. She got up to speak and it was as if the Spirit of God descended with a massive force. Granted, I tend to discern things fairly well....something God has gifted me with. Granted, I was already at a vulnerable state, from what God had been teaching me that morning. For whatever the reason, God was there and His Presence was there in FULL force.

Eveyln started off by saying that God had directed her to preach on the topic of being diligent in the faith. She preached from Genesis 26, the story of Isaac and his tribe. In the text, God tells Isaac where to live and that He will be blessed. So, Isaac obeys. His tribe IS blessed. Then, the king of that area gets jealous and has his servants plug up all the wells that Isaac's tribe has. Then he tells Isaac to leave. So, they pack up and go somewhere else...and dig new wells. The same thing happens there. God blesses them, and this time it's the herdsman who get jealous. So, they plug up the wells and have them leave. Eventually, God leads them to a place, they prosper, and soon the same king from the beginning comes up to Isaac. Isaac asks the king why he's there, since the king had been so harsh in the past. The king, along with all of his advisers, respond by saying that they now see that God is with Isaac....and that they desire to forge an alliance of sorts.

After going through the text, Evelyn preached that as long as we're seeking God's direction and Will...we should keep on, keeping on. No matter what anyone else says.

"The water's not theirs....it's God's."

She then shared a story about a time when she met with some Methodist ministers. The ministers spoke of the time before the civil rights movement. They said "We were preaching in favor of segregation...using the Bible as our guide. After the civil rights movement, we used the same Bible to preach against segregation. What changed? It sure wasn't the Bible." The reason Evelyn had for what changed....

"They got a whiff of the Gospel."

God's Word is powerful...sharper than anything. His Wisdom is above our own. I will not claim to know anything but that Christ is my Lord and Savior. All else is incidental compared to that resounding Truth. God has taught me many things in the past few weeks. Speak less, listen more....and stay steadfast in the Faith, keeping my eyes on Him. Though the waves and the storm rage around me...He will see me through. And, if He sees fit...I ask for even just a "whiff of the Gospel."

"Now there was a famine in the land - besides the earlier famine of Abraham's time - and Isaac went to Abimelech king of the Philistines in Gerar. The LORD appeared to Isaac and said, "Do not go down to Egypt; live in the land where I tell you to live. Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you. For to you and your descendants I will give all these lands and will confirm the oath I swore to your father Abraham. I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and will give them all these lands, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because Abraham obeyed me and kept my requirements, my commands, my decrees and my laws." So Isaac stayed in Gerar.

Isaac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the LORD blessed him. The man became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy. He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the Philistines envied him. So all the wells that his father's servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the Philistines stopped up, filling them with earth.

Then Abimelech said to Isaac, "Move away from us; you have become too powerful for us."

So Isaac moved away from there and encamped in the Valley of Gerar and settled there. Isaac reopened the wells that had been dug in the time of his father Abraham, which the Philistines had stopped up after Abraham died, and he gave them the same names his father had given them.

Isaac's servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. But the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with Isaac's herdsmen and said, "The water is ours!" So he named the well Esek, because they disputed with him. Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, saying "Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land."

From there he went up to Beersheba. That night the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham."

Isaac built an altar there and called on the name of the LORD. There he pitched his tent, and there his servants dug a well.

Meanwhile, Abimelech had come to him from Gerar, with Ahuzzath his personal adviser and Phicol the commander of his forces. Isaac asked them, "Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?"

They answered, "We saw clearly that the LORD was with you; so we said, 'There ought to be a sworn agreement between us' - between us and you. Let us make a treaty with you that you will do us no harm, just as we did not molest you but always treated you well and sent you away in peace. And now you are blessed by the LORD."

Isaac then made a feast for them, and they ate and drank. Early the next morning the men swore an oath to each other. Then Isaac sent them on their way, and they left him in peace."

Genesis 26:1-6, 12-31 NIV

Do unto others...

2008-12-20T13:45:00.000-05:00

Equality. This is a word that I believe is greatly misinterpreted in our society. Another word that seems to have lost its meaning is freedom. Why, you may ask, do these words not mean what they used to? How is this for an example...

This past week, President-elect Barak Obama selected Pastor Rick Warren to do the invocation at his inauguration this coming January. Pastor Warren is a highly-respected individual in the Evangelical community, having published works such as "The Purpose Driven Live" and "The Purpose Driven Church." He is an outspoken advocate in the help of the poor and sick. However, he also apposes abortion rights, as well as anything along the lines of same-sex marriage. This has outraged GLBT rights organizations across the nation, as well as many in the Democratic Party. Many are calling to Obama to "right this wrong" and choose someone else. People are shouting that this is an affront to the movements of freedom and equality for Americans, and that by including Pastor Warren in such an important event, we are advocating for the loss of freedom and equality.

A loss of freedom and equality? Really? Let's step back and look back to the presidential campaign.

Many supported Obama, and sought to do everything that they could to help him get elected. His platform of crossing divides in society and politics amazed many. It was a refreshing change....and we were ready for it, or so we thought. Now that he has been elected and begun doing EXACTLY what we voted for, we are now up in arms. How dare he? How dare he reach out to those he disagrees with. What a horrible and unforgivable thing to do.

The next thing I am about to say requires some clarifying. I do not want to make it sound like Obama is some Christ-like figure. However, I am using this example because Obama does profess to be a Christian. Therefore, he, as all other Christians, should be seeking to emulate the One that he calls Lord.

When Christ was on Earth, He spent his time among the poor, the outcasts, the sick, the low, etc. He called to "do unto others as you would do to yourself" and to "love your neighbor as you love yourself." Many in the "left" use this as a justification for all of the social-oriented programs they encourage. I have to agree, it works. However, I think that one big piece that many of us fail to acknowledge is that Christ also sat down to dinner with, *GASP*, the Pharisees. Yes, those pompous, overly self-righteous, know-it-alls that we are taught to despise...you know, in Sunday School? Not ONLY did Christ focus on spending time with the outcasts of society, He spent time with the people who disagreed with the very basis of His mission. He listened to them ask questions, he talked with them, but most of all....He didn't ignore them. He was civil to them. He was, here's another shocker, Christ-like.

People are saying that by having Pastor Warren at the inauguration, it is as if Obama is saying that, for example, GLBT Americans are no longer welcome at "the table." They couldn't be further from the truth. It is the very fact that Pastor Warren is doing the invocation that shows that Obama is setting out to do what he promised - EVERYONE will have a seat at this table. Not just those he agrees with, but everyone. And, what's even better, is EVERYONE will have a voice.

We need to stop bitching and moaning over our differences and start treating everyone the way we want to be treated. No, it doesn't matter if for a while, they still treat us like crap. We need to set the example. That's what this country is supposed to be about. Even more importantly, that's what our Faith calls us to do!

"You have heard that it was said 'Love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you."

Matthew 5:43-44

"The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Galatians 5:14

The greatest of these...

2008-12-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

The past several months have been filled with life-changing moments...moments where God has shown me His Hand...in small ways, and in great.

About three months ago, I had a horrible weekend. It was when I first realized that my depression had once again reared its ugly face. After spending the weekend in seclusion (because that's OBVIOUSLY the best thing to do...NOT), I decided to start seeking interaction by chatting with friends on AIM. I chatted with my friend, Tyler, and mentioned to him how crappy my weekend had been. When I got to the office the next day, there was a bouquet of roses and lilies waiting for me, with a note that mentioned how he "wanted to make sure I was truly feeling better" and also saying "Smile, Nate, cause you're worth it." I know that it was incredibly cheesy, but it did the trick. Several months later, we decided that we should figure out a way to hang out in person...to see if something was even there that was worth doing the whole long distance bit. Turns out, there is. We'll have to see where this goes, as it's going to be a long long-distance thing, as I'm in Raleigh, and Tyler's off to Yale next fall for grad school...

"Love is patient....always hopes, always perseveres..."

This brings us to Thanksgiving. Ahh, what a holiday. Turkey, stuffing, pie, football (ok, maybe not football).....a lazy day of gluttony and friends/family. Not so much. Thanksgiving morning, while fixing brunch for two friends, I had a seizure. Thankfully, my friends were there and called 911. I'm also thankful for my cell phone. Yes, that's right, my cell phone. When I got my new cell phone, I took the time to set everything up on it...including the "In Case Of Emergency" feature, which is a large button at the top of my Contact List. Because I had set it up, one of my friends was able to call my parents to let them know what had happened. So yeah, after 30 min of being out of it and not wanting to leave my apt, I ended up at the hospital for several hours. Thankfully, I have insurance, and thankfully, I have friends who were able to spot me the $150 for the ER visit. It was also wonderful to have parents who told me that they would come out and spend the weekend with me if I needed them to. Twentyfour hours later, I was picking my mom up at Raleigh-Durham International Airport. It was great having her here to spend time with me and meet some of my friends.

"love is kind...it is not self-seeking...It always protects..."

Probably the most important thing that has happened in the past several months is the reassurance of Who I belong to...Who I place my trust in. To be honest, it's been difficult. With the onset of depression and the busier schedule, one of the first things to go was my daily time in the Word. Satan has used this to make me feel low, worthless, and unworthy to call myself a Child of the Most High. To be honest, there have been times when I've believed it. However, looking back over all that has happened, I am reminded that Christ IS IN CONTROL! He has not failed to be there for me. He has continued to be a Rock and Foundation for my life. I am weak. I am foolish. I am broken. I am imperfect. Praise Him who is able that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He has always been there....and has never, not for one minute, stopped loving me.

"Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The Starter Life.....

2008-10-12T14:00:00.000-04:00

Wow, yet another long hiatus from blogging. Ahh, the life that has happened since that day in, I believe it was July.

This afternoon the internet was working well enough for me to watch the premiere episode of USA's new show, The Starter Wife. Now yes, I know that the show is just the extension of the ever-popular mini-series of the same name. And yes, I also am aware that the reason I watched the mini-series in the first place was because Debra Messing was in it. However, I find the story very refreshing - someone who was enveloped in a fabrication was ripped from that fabrication to create a new and more genuine life. In the case of The Starter Wife, it's a Hollywood ex-wife who realizes that the life she led, prior to her husband's infidelity and then divorce, was not right. Now, it's her picking up the pieces of her life, focusing now on family and friends, and less on the expectations of the society around her.

A year ago, I was nearing a divorce of my own....a divorce from the life I was leading...one of expectations, masks, and self-loathing. It was a VERY messy divorce, not only evidenced by the obvious mental strain, but also on the spare tire that formed around my waist. Come December, I hit rock bottom and was graciously picked up out of the mire and muck by The Boss of the ones I was so desperately trying to impress. He picked me up, cleaned me up, and told me that it was only His opinion that mattered, and asked me why I had been straining and working so hard to fit the molds of everyone around me. I had no answer....no answer, aside from that feeble response - "but I thought...". As He shook his head in half disappointment and half pity, He walked me out the door of that house I called my life, and showed me a new one. One where I was content...content to go through the tough times and the good. Content to take my weak and beaten up self and keep on keeping on. Content moving forward into the unknown, knowing that The Boss has taken care of everything.

Sitting at home...yes....home, watching the leaves blow outside, hearing the hum of the refrigerator, and the click-clacking of the keys as I type....it's peaceful. Knowing that in my crazy mess....He's stepped in....said "Ok Nate...enough is enough...it's time to follow Me...no turning back." I have no clue where I'll be a year from now. I'd like to think that I'll still be working for GCN, living in this small (but wonderful) apartment, and still listening to the One who's opinion matters. I can't say for sure...but I have a feeling that once one divorces themself from their former life, that's truely when life begins...

"So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

2 Corinthians 5:16-21

Theological mutterings...

2008-07-12T12:48:00.001-04:00

The tides of life flow at such a random and carefree pace that it is often the unexpected that comes our way. We live our lives in a constant pursuit of control...control over our own lives. To the unknowing observer, this endeavor almost seems logical. However, few end up realizing that these goals only lead to disappointment. The doctoral student who fails to get his PHD due to a sudden lack of funds, the engaged couple that breaks off a long relationship after a futile argument, the company exec who loses everything with one poor business decision...the unexpected, logically, should become what we expect.

This ever-changing nature of life deems it necessary to flow with a current, as opposed to drowning oneself in an attempt to control the course of the flow.

What most people need, and few realize, is to seek to know the One who DOES control that flow. In saying this, I do not mean to say that we lack all control, for even in the midst of the rush, choices we make do affect where we end up in life. However, what I find most entertaining and sad is how we seek to control it all. We attend out self-help seminars and purchase HUNDREDS of inspirational texts to only find that, apparently, the "answer" to all of our longing is closer than we think...it is within ourselves. After this "glorious" revelation, we then seek out others...other who, somewhere and somehow, have been wiser than any before them and have found this inner calm on their own. This just seems downright circular. We seek the peace we desire by scouring the globe ONLY to find that what we seek is inside each of us. However, in order to find what it IN US, we rush back out TO OTHERS to find out how to get what's inside ourselves...tapping into this human-centric universe...the blind leading the blind. Logically, it would seem that the wise thing to do would be to realize that what we are seeking is not within ourselves...that the reason we keep seeking beyond ourselves is, in fact, because what we are looking for IS outside of us.

Upon realizing this, we are faced with a plethora of options...the Mall of America of spiritual fulfillment is at our disposal. Do we pick a more earthy faith and worship the rocks and trees? Do we seek rigid controls and pursue something more fundamentalistic? There are thousands of options, and even more if you consider the many options within each option. Take, for example, the faith I call my own, Christianity. There are numerous options within the walls of Christianity that people can choose from. Those seeking a more liberal approach usually can find it within a UCC church. Those seeking more of a strict version have various types of Baptist to choose from. Lovers of the liturgical style have Anglicanism and Catholicism at their disposal. The "emos" of the Christian faith have the nondenom churches (in an attempt not to conform, they have conformed). With all of these various pieces of the faith we call Christianity, divisions can happen on a regular basis. I heard a sermon once, where the pastor spoke of how Christianity was like a fenced-in backyard, with God/Jesus as the loving and watchful parent, and Christians playing the part of the children. Christ tells us that as long as we stay inside our fenced-in backyard, we won't get in trouble. We can play on the swingset, or in the sandbox, or in the garden. We can have a picnic or play hide and seek in the bushes, or even climb some trees. However, as children, we like to make our own rules and interpretations of what our Father has said. Some of us tell the others that we are ONLY allowed to play on the swingset, while others say we're only allowed to climb the trees. There are even others who say that we can play everywhere BUT the sandbox. I think this analogy paints an accurate picture of how Christians operate today. We claim the same Father, but let our manmade boundaries cause us to shun and scorn those we disagree with. Churches split over music styles, women in leadership, dancing, Bible translations, building style, clothing choices, and more. I am as guilty as any of this error in judgment. We let our God-given passion turn into an unhealthy compulsion to force our boundaries upon others. This, in my lowly opinion, seems counterproductive.

In my pursuit to share the joy and peace I have found in Christ, it seems in the best interest of the One I say I serve to live seeking peace with all, through the aid of my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. I just don't see how anyone would "want what I have" if all I show them is a harsh, cruel, and war-like faith. As an outsider looking in, I would more than likely stay as FAR away from something like that, not pursue it. I find it sad, and also slightly amusing, at the approach the Christian church in America has taken to address this dilemma. We have turned mercy, grace, compassion, and love into the tools used to draw people to our faith. We have churches dedicated to this mission alone - seeker churches. These churches sacrifice some of the harder truths of Christianity (i.e. persecution) to make their appearance completely "seeker friendly". However, once becoming Christians, these new converts hunger for more of this loving Christ. They then try out another church, this time one not of the seeker variety. They soon find themselves in a community that has "moved beyond" mercy and love to trials and judgment. These, some referring to them as churches for "adult" Christians, are for those who have moved past the foolish notions of being a child-like Christian. They are now more about the fight than the faith. This is not to say that these churches are wrong, for it is often these churches that have extremely solid Biblical teaching mixed in with their war speak. These two types of churches seem to have taken the Christian life and split it in two, dividing parts between themselves. They share the same foundation (and share the same "backyard"), but that is about it.

It seems appropriate that what we all should be seeking is the image of our faith that we claim we are mirroring - that of Christ Himself. During His time on Earth, He lived as THE Way of Truth, Peace, and Love. The only time harsh words were uttered was when His Father's house was defiled and when He saw the hand of His enemy at work. While on trial, he offered no defense for Himself, letting blow by blow be dealt. Even hanging on the cross, he offered up forgiveness for those killing him. He calls us to love everyone as we love ourselves and to love God with every fiber of our being. He also encourages us to have the faith of a child. Ironic, isn't it, how we pity the "baby" Christians among us, when our Lord asks that our faith be that of a child? I find it also ironic that while on trial our Lord didn't defend Himself, but anytime we are even remotely threatened, we get up in arms and prepare for battle.

May the words of my mouth and the actions I do produce peace and love in the name of Jesus Christ. Give me wisdom when facing trials of every kind, knowing that all the defense I need to offer up is the Foundation on which I stand. Let His will be done as I seek to be an instrument of His Hand, and not my own...

The enemy of my enemy...

2008-06-17T11:58:00.000-04:00

So, It's been quite some time since I've posted on here. I say that most of that is due to the major life changes that have been happening. I'll save those tales for a later post.

I'm reviewing some online devotionals today, to see if we want to use them with our website (www.gaychristian.net). Now, some of them, to be completely honest, I haven't been all that impressed with. However, I came across this devotional that just really was insightful, and was something that I hadn't thought of, but is very appropriate for right now....so...here it is...

___________________

"And John answered and said, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us. And Jesus said unto him, Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us." Luke 9:49-50

"The disciples had been arguing amongst themselves as to who among them would be the greatest. Though the disciples had been with Jesus for sometime they were still spiritually immature. They did and said things that often called for correction from Christ.

Here we find John reminding Jesus of just how loyal and protective the disciples had been of the power of the Gospel; even when Jesus was not around. John, perhaps the most spiritually sensitive disciple, forbade the man who cast out devils. This man did not attend Jesus' meetings and he was not part of the privileged inner circle. The disciples had done something they thought would merit the Lord's praise, and, perhaps, some great position in His kingdom. They believed that keeping personal company with the Lord made them somehow better than others. They were qualified to "forbid" those who weren't so privileged.

I am always amazed when I read stories about the disciples and how they interacted with Jesus. So often we hold these men up with such high regard. They were chosen by Jesus and they had the opportunity to walk and live with Jesus. Surely we should expect that they understood the humility of serving God.

Jesus is the real miracle of anyone's ability to cast out demons or heal the sick. Individuals may say wondrous words, but without proclaiming the name of Jesus, their words are useless.

Perhaps John was threatened by this "outsider" performing these works. Jesus and the disciples were John's church and family. Studying, following, and praying with Jesus everyday must surely bring some personal benefit? Time and time again we see that, just like us, sometimes the disciples were on the wrong track.

Jesus did not view the God-given power to cast out demons, pray for others, or heal the sick in His name as something to be protected or kept from others. None of us holds the power to save the lost, heal the sick, or forgive sin. It is only through Jesus Christ, our Lord, that God will cast out demons.

I find that there is a great tendency in many of us to look differently at others who don't worship exactly as we do and at other Christians who do not share our doctrine. I might suggest that many go so far as to look on those who are different with distrust, suspicion, or disdain.

I must admit that at least one time in my life I have prayed, "Lord, make them see it my way, which I know to be the right way," because they are not a part of us! What a dangerous road to travel. What happens when we, who are the preachers of tolerance, become intolerant? As Christians we understand that Jesus was the champion for the outcast, but sometimes it seems as though His followers are the very ones who are quick to turn up their noses to those who are different.

There is a real danger for those proclaiming to be on the road to life of becoming narrow-minded and exclusive towards others. Our brothers and sisters of varying Christian beliefs, who are born of the same Spirit of God, must be embraced by all of us. What matters most is Christ.

The disciples wanted to forbid the man. Jesus said to forbid him not. How often are we at odds with Jesus in the way we go about our ministries and live our lives? There is no power in denominations, religious organizations, or disciplines to cast out devils. It is only in and by the name of Jesus. Do not forbid them. He that is not against us is for us."

___________________

After reading that, I realized how much I, in a desire to seek His will for my life and do what He wants for me, end up turning up my nose at my brothers and sisters who disagree with me.

Lord, help me cast aside my pride and take on the servant's heart that I so desire. Let the words of my mouth and all my actions strive to serve You and You alone. When I come in contact with fellow brothers and sisters, let it be our common foundation that binds us together. Let the different opinions pale in comparison to Your will and guidance. Help me to treat others with the same respect and care I desire for myself. You alone are worthy...please aid me in seeing that in every moment. Amen.

What goes over the rainbow....

2008-04-15T19:20:00.000-04:00

Last night, I attended an event on campus entitled "Voices". The whole point of this three-four day series is to highlight various unheard voices on local, national, and international levels. Now, when I was a Wheaton student, I hardly attended such events...so I find it slightly entertaining that I've attended more of these events as a non-Wheatie then as one. I don't know if anyone else finds that entertaining..it could very well be me. Back to the story, a really great friend of mine was one of those organizing the event, and she called me to ask me what I thought about my friend, Zack, coming to be the "homosexual" voice on this student panel. Overall, I was glad that it was him, because I feel that his story is something that can be a powerful thing. So, I met up with Zack and another friend for dinner at SAGA (which, BY the way, had the AUdacity to charge me $9.75 for a crappy bowl of chicken soup...yeah, no noodles). When we got to the room where the event was taking place, it was really neat to see that there were SO many people there. I mean, there were well over 60 people. Yeah, to some that doesn't seem like a lot, but to Wheaton it's like...uhh...a decent amount of people...lol!

As it turns out, well....let's just say us "gays" know how to draw attention to ourselves. I mean, I don't think it was as if the subject took over the Q&A session afterwards...I just think people, especially at Wheaton, have more questions about such things. One thing that was REALLY interesting was an older gentleman with his life partner, who were sitting in the middle of the room. He was from the Stonewall generation...the "We're here, we're queer...get used to it!" crowd. Some of the comments he made afterwards were relevant, such as thanking Zack for having the courage to stand in front of a crowd and feel comfortable talking about it...that sort of thing. However, he was talking about how people need to mind their own business, and he said "What I do in private is MY business, not anyone else's. There's this old phrase....what goes over the rainbow STAYS over the rainbow." I don't know about you, but that just made me realize how different the "new" generation of gay youth is from the Stonewall generation. I also realized how different the "Gay Christian" generation is from the other gay movements.

Regardless, it was also nice to be able to share a glimpse of my "story" last night. Someone asked Zack and another girl (who was representing the physically handicapped) how their relationship with God was doing...and if they were angry for that part of them and/or wanted to change. Now, this was the ONLY concern I had about Zack speaking...because he doesn't identify himself as a Christian. So, I ended up being able to share a bit about how I, first and foremost, find my identity in Christ. While my being gay is a part of me, it is NOT my primary identity, and it also is SO not a way of describing me...there's SO much more to me than who I'm attracted to. It was slightly amazing and slightly terrifying to share in front of a crowd that size. I had prayed about it earlier that day, asking that if I was supposed to say something, that it would be made REALLY clear. Well, when that person asked that question, I started feeling a familiar push/nudging inside...which I am helpless to ignore. It was also neat, because I was approached by two freshman afterwards. One of them told me that she has a friend at home who is a lesbian and an atheist. She asked me if I had any tips on reaching out and being able to share Christianity with someone like that. I told her that the two things that I KNOW are smart to do are pray and treat them with the Love of Christ. Showing someone Christ's impact on your own life is SO much more effective then approaching someone with an agenda and/or mission. It is also, more than likely, the best way to approach a gay atheist...I mean, a lot of gay people grow leery when Christianity is mentioned...and the same goes for most atheists.

I don't know WHERE I was going with all this...my thoughts have been scattered lately, to say the least. With working 40+ hours a week, thinking about wedding cakes, contemplating relationships, and doing a poor job of staying as focused as I'd like on my faith, I guess it was just wonderful and amazing to have that small answer to prayer last night...that leading/nudging to say something, even when I really was freaked out about it. I know that I'm headed in the direction where Christ wants me to go. I mean, that's not to say that I know where that's going to be, I just know that I'm stumbling towards wherever it is. Also, to be completely honest, I'm SO thrilled and SUPER excited to see where He takes me!

Through cloud and sunshine...

2008-03-10T22:19:00.000-04:00

The past several months have been such an experience, to say the least. Looking for a job, working on my faith, helping out with GCN, and so many other things have been the focus of my attention. I even have reached points where I've had to just pray for the Lord to give me the faith that I keep telling myself I have...the faith to continue on even when things don't seem to be working out well, even when that light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting farther away, rather than closer. I remember in high school, we used to have this Bible study that met in the cafeteria every Tuesday morning before school. Corie Fiala led it. One thing that she said I have never forgotten. We were talking about how a number of us had volunteered at some point for music at church, and how sometimes we didn't really feel like worshiping God or being up there. Corie mentioned that we needed to "fake it until you make it", as far as getting into the spirit of serving and such. Well, I've applied that to what I'm going through right now. There have been points where I have "faked it" in order to "make it" at some point down the road. I DO know that Christ is there for me and that He will always be there to guide and provide for me. It just can be frustrating at times.

I was listening to the soundtrack for Latter Days the other day, and came across an arrangement for Abide With Me. I had never really listened to it before, but I have really grown to love it. The lyrics are so powerful and so true...and it's phenomenal. So, to finish off this post, I'm posting the lyrics to Abide With Me, and a video of it being sung. I couldn't find the Latter Days arrangement online, but found one that is equally as well done, if not better.

"Abide with Me; fast falls the eventide;

The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.

When other helpers fail and comforts flee,

Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;

Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;

Change and decay in all around I see;

O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word;

But as Thou dwell'st with Thy disciples, Lord,

Familiar, condescending, patient, free.

Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,

But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings,

Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea -

Come, Friend of sinners, and thus bide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;

And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,

Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,

On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.

What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?

Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?

Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;

Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.

Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?

I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;

Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.

Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;

In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me."

WATCH THIS ARRANGEMENT!!!

The chance of coincidence....

2008-02-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away, even while he goes about his business.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

James 1:2-12

Last night, I had a strange dream. This dream was not very long and wasn't, well, let's just say it was interesting. In this dream, I was sitting at a table with my brother's fiance and Hillary Clinton. Yes, I know, what a STRANGE dinner party this was. We were talking about life, not even about politics, and I started talking about my family. After discussing things with the two of them for a while, we did end up talking about the political background of my family, and I mentioned that I would be one of very few in my family to vote Democrat, more specifically for Obama. Hillary was like "Good for you!"...and then it dawned on me that she was still running for the ticket, and I told her that it was nothing against her. She then was all like "Oh, you know, ever since the primaries began, I've been realizing that....."

Suddenly, I'm woken up by my phone...and it's playing "The Imperial March" (yes, from Star Wars). This can only mean one thing - family's calling. I look at the phone and see that it's my parents. Now, while I love my parents, I wasn't ready to answer the phone at 6:40ish AM. So, after I try to get back to sleep, I end up getting up and doing my devotions....and end up reading the first chapter of James. I don't know if it means anything, or if it's just a strange string of coincidences, but dreaming about discussing my family life with Hillary Clinton, having my dream interrupted by my mom calling, and reading in Scripture about facing trials of many kinds...all I know is I'm asking for wisdom. While part of me wants to restore and rebuild my relationship with my parents, the other part of me is afraid to...to put myself out there, not knowing what will happen. To be completely honest, it is fairly terrifying.

Oh, Heavenly Father, please give me the wisdom, patience, guidance, and direction to know what to do in this situation. I have NO clue what to do, but know that you are SO much more than able to help me with any situation I face in life. I have started to doubt you...and for that I am sorry...help me climb back out of this tormented sea into your more than capable Hands. Thank you! Amen.

And the beat goes on....

2008-02-06T19:50:00.001-05:00

It is strange for me that I'm now spending more time in the Wheaton College Library as an alum than I did as a student....ahh, the irony of life. Today's been fairly interesting. I woke up to what sounded like pieces of glass striking my windows....yeah...turns out it was freezing rain being blown into my windows by the strong winds outside. The south got tornadoes....and we get horrendus blizzards and ice. Wow, can't decide which sounds better! :-P

This morning, I was reading in Luke and came across this passage....

"The next day, when they came down from the mountain, a large crowd met him. A man in the crowd called out, "Teacher, I beg you to look at my son, for he is my only child. A spirit seizes him and he suddenly screams; it throws him into convulsions so that he foams at the mouth. It scarcely ever leaves him and is destroying him. I begged your disciples to drive it out, but they could not."

"O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you and put up with you? Bring your son here." Even while the boy was coming, the demon threw him to the ground in a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the evil spirit, healed the boy and gave him back to his father. And they were all amazed at the greatness of God." Luke 9:37-43 NIV

It just amazes me how we, as humans, love to rely on our own strength to do things. We usually start off on the right foot, trusting in Christ, but once it works, we then become SO self confident, like the disciples. I'm sure that they thought that since they'd been with Jesus, they were just as powerful as He was...yeah, not so much. When push came to shove, they fell on their faces. Christ recognizes this and basically says "I'm sick of you...wow...how much longer am I going to have to put up with this." Not to say that Christ doesn't love them and care for them....He just seemed fed up with their lack of faith....their...OVER self-confidence. It is something I'm really trying to work on. I mean, it's easy to rely on Christ when things aren't going well. However, once things do go well, it can easily turn into an issue of being over confident in one's self. Lord, help me always rely on you, in good and bad!

I get to have dinner with a new friend of mine this evening. I'm looking forward to hearing his story and where God's taken him in the past year even....it's so interesting getting to know those God brings into your life. This morning, RW, someone who's been in my life for a while, was helping me look at jobs...which I really appreciated. It turns out that I may even have one, which is phenomenal! Granted, I'll probably be a waiter...but hey, it's a job...and it looks like a pretty sweet one anyways!

So, right now, I'm just chilling at the library....waiting until the very last minute to walk from here to SAGA...man, this weather sucks! I'm also chatting with what's his name online.....we have the most UNIQUE relationship ever...seriously. It's like this strange mix of new acquaintance, boyfriend, and best friend....it's great...but random and crazy. I've NEVER been in any relationship that even remotely resembles this. Oh well, submitting it to God and just taking it day by day seems like the best way to go! I could NEVER be an athiest...I would probably kill myself. I mean, I know I can't handle everything on my own...so I can't imagine putting all of that on myself without having Christ in my life...ridiculous!

What happens when you ask me to help you with homework....

2008-02-03T22:46:00.000-05:00

Grace graced me with her presence today...and in an effort to thank her for stopping by, I wrote her speech (for speech class) for her.....

G is for God
R is for Respect
A is for absolutely fabulous
C is for Christ, who is amazing
E is for Éclair, which is absolutely delicious

M is for marriage
A is for asshole, which I am not
R is for relieved, how I will feel after I write this speech
I is for Insane...why I am I listening to him???
E is for Elephant...which weighs more than I do

H is for heavenly
E is for entertaining
A is for Acupuncture
G is for God-forsaken weather
Y is for Yeti...which continues to be elusive
-
K is for Krispy Kreme, which I had this morning
R is for Ring...look out!
O is for Ovaries...I have two
G is for Green....me likey trees
H is for Heagy, which will not last for long.

By One Spirit.....

2008-02-03T22:30:00.000-05:00

The Lord is SO amazing!!! Yesterday, I met with about ten students (at Wheaton) to brainstorm about starting a group on campus with the primary goal of creating a safe place for discussion about homosexuality and Christianity. Praise the LORD!!! I really didn't think a group like this would ever get started at Wheaton. Students have been trying for years and years to do this....prayer DOES pay off! It was wonderful seeing the incredible diversity of the people gathered at this meeting (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those I shouldn't speak for). The two guys who are heading it up are both great friends of mine. One is a fellow gay Christian, Caleb, who is still working through things as far as how his sexuality fits with his faith. The other is a straight friend of mine, Jacob, who's older brother is gay. That dynamic, in and of itself, is phenomenal! However, there were more at this meeting. Jacob's roommate came along, another straight student who just wants to learn more about the issue and be there for his brothers and sisters, regardless of their orientation. Jacob's suitemates also were there. One is a gay student, the other wants to see this group happen on campus. There was Mark, a student who "came out" via the campus paper two years ago. He's leaning towards Side B (gay and seeking celibacy), but is still praying and working things out. Then there was John, who after experiencing persecution in high school because he was assumed to be gay, desires to see a safe community with a Biblical foundation on campus. Then there was Patrick, a freshman who is working through his sexuality and faith, and has had some rough experiences in the past. Dave is next, a guy who describes himself as one who struggles with same-sex attraction, but is theologically straight. Last, but possibly not least, was I...identifying myself as a gay Christian, who seeks identity in my faith in Christ. I am SO looking forward to seeing where this group ends up. It is certainly a working of Christ, and I'm thrilled that He has allowed me to be a small part of it.

After the meeting yesterday, I felt led to study 1 Corinthians, where Paul talks about the body with many parts.

"For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, though they are many, are one body, so also is Christ. For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body, whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free, and we were all made to drink of one Spirit. For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot says, "Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body," it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. And if the ear says, "Because I am not an eye, I am not a part of the body," it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired. If they were all one member, where would the body be? But now there are many members, but one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now you are Christ's body, and individually members of it."

1 Corinthians 12:12-27 NASB

The passage gives me chills just reading it. It, at least in my mind, is one of the most beautiful pictures of how the Body of Christ is to act. Too often it seems that gay Christians are treated as the weak and the least-desirable members of the Body of Christ. It is not in all circles, and I am not trying to point fingers....I am just pointing out the simple fact that two Christians can be having a deep theological discussion about their faith and the moment one of them mentions their sexuality, the other usually disregards anything they have to say concerning Christianity...for gay people obviously cannot understand Scripture like straight people. I realize there is a hint of bitterness in what I just wrote, for I have experienced this, and I am working on my bitterness towards those who have hurt me. Christ doesn't call me to hold grudges or argue and fight with those who don't agree or share the same views as me. Romans 12:10-18 says....

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."

This lesson is something that I am finding is SO hard to achieve. I come from a family (well, at least one side of it) where defending our viewpoints and having the last word is something we love to do. We LOVE to correct the mistakes we see in others and make sure our viewpoint is heard, if not agreed upon. Learning to create a healthy balance between all-out passiveness and full-blown obnoxious aggressiveness is very difficult to do. I hope in all my rantings and ramblings I don't come across as one who has "arrived" or knows "the answers" to all of those big questions out there. I don't claim to really know anything. Well, I do know one thing for certain - Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour...He died for my sins, rose again three days later, and is THE way, THE Truth, and THE Life! That's the only thing I can really claim to know for certain.

Got me thinking....

2008-01-28T01:13:00.001-05:00

"If the fetus you save is gay, will you still fight for its rights?"

The riches found in servitude....

2008-01-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

The ideal job....we are often taught, especially in Western societies, that the ideal to strive for includes money, power, and status. From an early age we are shown that if it costs more money, it must be better OR if you have a big house, you're REALLY cool. Christians especially fall prey to this lure. If you don't believe me, spend some time looking around any mid to large size town at all the churches. Chances are, the ones with the most attendance will fall under two categories - a massive, modern structure with a non-imposing, no noticeably Christian markings (except for maybe a cross in the church's logo), etc. OR the church will be mid to large sized with an overly gaudy neo-classic/baroque/modern mutt of a structure that screams "we spent a lot of money on this...please, step inside". We are taught that if we are having troubles, especially financially, that once we give everything over to God, he will provide abundantly for us (which usually is interpreted as RICHES of earthly measure). This all being said, what room is there for service? We are taught to pity those who serve Christ who are living "less than comfortably". Missionaries and ministry workers are seen as the sacrificers of the Church, the lowly, those worthy of our pity and support. I am as guilty of this as the rest of my brothers and sisters. Up until very recently, my goal in life was to strive for the highest paying job I could. The only sweat I ever planned on breaking for Christ was (maybe) as I wrote out a check to a local church or foreign ministry. True, I had felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit throughout my life, hinting at the possibility that I may end up one of the pitied few...but I always shrugged it off and kept on striving towards my goal. This, however, had finally (thank You, Jesus) changed.

I don't seek riches or glory, and I especially do not seek pity. My goal, which I believe has been my true destination all along, is ministry. This lifetime is too short to waste on frivolous attempts at earthly glory. I am done with trying to impress those around me with my achievements...it is exhausting, and I believe, far from what Christ has called us to do. This is not to say that Christ doesn't call people to lead, and have money, power, and status. This IS to say that I believe that Christ is calling me away from that, to something that truly does bring riches beyond measure (a phrase which I believe I am just beginning to understand).

Lord God, give me a heart to serve without question, to thirst for Your Will and Presence, and Your peace as I follow Your leading for my life. My You be glorified in all that I do and say...and may the only approval I seek be Yours and Yours alone. Thank you!

Letting the light in....

2008-01-18T12:01:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning and thought I was either still dreaming or had died and went to heaven....my bedroom was filled with a glorious presence....sunlight! I had almost forgot how much sunlight can brighten up the darkest of moments. The past few days have been trying, to say the least. I had two job interviews at random marketing firms Downtown. The first interview was alright, but as I went to the second interview, I started feeling suspicious - the form filled out at the beginning of my second interview was an EXACT replica of the form filled out at the beginning of my first interview. That night, I was called back, by both firms, for a second interview. I went to the first "second" interview, and knew right then and there that I would NOT be going to the other "second" interview. I spent all day going door-to-door with one of the "Senior Account Executives" (who, by the way, had only been there for six weeks), selling office supplies, which we never really sold. I also found out that the same parent company of that marketing firm also owned the other marketing firm that I applied to...yeah, not going to do that! When I returned home, after a long nine hour waste of a day, I found notification that the school has officially denied my appeal of their academic dismissal...which means that, contrary to my actual actions, my records now show that I was kicked out of Wheaton College. AND, to top it all off, the past couple of days have been dark, cloudy, cold, and windy. Fun times!

This all being said, Christ has continued to show Himself in every little thing. This past Monday I told my roommates that I am gay...which I was fairly nervous about. However, God was in the entire process and I am constantly thanking Him for the loving care and provision he has shown in the people in my life. I don't deserve it, and yet, I have it anyway. We spoke for three hours, expressing our thoughts on everything - the past, the present, theology, labels, stereotypes, etcetera. The best part about our talk was that we ended it with prayer, submitting everything once more to the Lord. How amazing it is to have roommates such as these! I've also almost completed reading through the New Testament (four Gospels to go!)! It has been a daily blessing to get in the Word and soak it up! ALSO, I've been working out every day, which has also been wonderful. Growing up in a home where nutrition and the outside appearance were hailed as the ultimate, and required, goal to achieve...I do have a bad association with body image and exercising. However, now that I'm at a place where I am moving forward mentally, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually, I feel right now focusing on what I see as the least important of those four areas. I'm eating healthier and in smaller portions, I'm drinking a ton of water, I'm getting seven to eight hours of sleep each night, and I'm exercising daily....this is the start of something amazing, I can tell! Now I just need the patience to see it through...

I also am in a new relationship, and by relationship, I mean friendship! I do feel that meeting what's his name has been such a God thing, and it feels amazing to have a friend who I can tell absolutely anything to...and not feel nervous or awkward about it! I'm just praying for wisdom and discernment in every aspect of our relationship, and that above everything else, that Christ would be the center of it, regardless of the direction it takes!

Lord, give me the wisdom to serve you in every action...to seek our Your Will for my life...and to not worry about the things I need, for I know that you are MORE than able to provide for me. Thank you for the amazing people you have put into my life and I especially thank you for putting up with me! You are truly amazing and wonderful! Thank you!

It's the little things....

2008-01-04T17:39:00.000-05:00

I am SO happy....even with so many reasons why I shouldn't be...I am, and it's amazing. Many things have gone on in the past six months, heck, the past three years have been rough. As I entered this new year, I looked back on all that has happened and the only response I have to say to it all is thank you, Jesus, for guiding me through this valley and pulling me out.

These past few weeks have been full of so many things that I am thankful for. My wonderful family - my parents, who are still there even when there are things that we disagree on; my brother, who has been a super encouragement and support through many things; my grandmother, who doesn't let a generational gap stop her from getting involved in and caring about what's going on in my life - it's been amazing. Also, the new friends and old, who are constantly there to share with me what is going on in their lives as well as caring about what's going on in my own. And most importantly, the time I am able to spend with my Savior each day...it has been a constant blessing.

I have no idea where I'm headed in the next couple of years, let alone, the next couple of months. However, I am SO looking forward to seeing where God takes me this year. I could care less what others expect of me, because I really don't care....I only care about meeting His expectations, and the thought of doing that makes me thrilled about my future, however unknown it may be.

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen" 1 Peter 5:10-11 KJV

What REALLY matters....

2007-12-30T01:13:00.000-05:00

Wow...I really need to work on my emotional attachment issues, or rather, letting my emotions get the best of me. Being single, there are things I often speculate about, and sometimes, over analyze, causing myself to create these random futures with someone when I barely know them....not a wise thing to do.

What I really need to do, and am trying to do, is realize that Christ is all that I really need. Even though I have a horribly strong desire for companionship, I need to work really hard to make my relationship with Christ the strongest one in my life, regardless of whatever else is going on. He is ALL that I need, and the ONE relationship that really matters!

The frozen moments....

2007-12-24T17:27:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am...Christmas Eve....what an accomplishment. It is surprising that I made it to this Christmas, looking back on the past three months or so. Definitely a miracle, to be sure. We're at my aunt's house in Platteville this year, having four days of lazy bliss and maddening boredom amidst the cold, freezing winter outside the walls. This boring paradise, however, was not experienced until we drove here. Actually, I drove here, transporting my grandmother, Ying, and Ben. The weather was horrible. It seemed that someone upstairs had it out for us, as torrents of snow constantly blew in our faces, roads became consistently icier, and the tension in the car grew in bounds per hour. Everything had gone well, we were arriving to Platteville, taking the exit to my aunt's house, when IT happened. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that ice happened, causing the car to careen forward into a wooden pole, on which was affixed a traffic sign. Now, this being the case, it would have been just fine if we hit the pole and that was that. However, the pole, being of a cheap quality, flew into the air and bounced off the rear window, crashing it in the process. Picture this lovely, heartwarming scene.......I'm panicking in the driver's seat, my grandmother is calmly expressing "just keep going", Ying has been screaming, and my brother is in the back blaming me for the disaster (which is partly true, and which was discussed earlier, easing any possible tension....yeah). It was NOT fun. Aside from that, things are going well.

This year is the first, in many, that we haven't had Papa John and Yiefi here for Christmas. This being said, drama has been kept to a minimum. Matt is home for the holiday, which is nice, because it seems that he's more personable this time than I remember. This also could be due to the fact that I'm less intimidated by him and I'm also not as much of a prude....maybe.

Well, I'm going to try to be more social, as opposed to sitting here....bored....wondering what to do until I open presents. It is sad that that's what I look forward to on the birth of my Savior. Well, He knows I love Him....even when I'm angry with Him....cause that doesn't last. And hey, I'm human, He knows that.......presents...I'm ready for you!

Thoughts on a life to be lived....

2007-12-14T23:00:00.000-05:00

Today....the beginning of the rest of my life. The day when I finally make choices for myself, relying only on the wisdom of my Savior as I make daily decisions. Finally making goals for myself, instead of killing myself to reach the goals set for me by so many other well-doers. Others who, God bless them, feel the need to protect me and "help" me by setting things up so I can become the man they think I want/need to be. This is not to say that I don't appreciate the love and care which (most of) these people act in. However, that being said, it is time for this child to grow up. This child who, spending his childhood dreaming of being an adult, now finds himself an adult who feels like a child. Enough. It is time to leave the padded room that has been constructed for me and pursue life in this world, being certain of one Truth and one Truth only - Christ is my Lord. Sound terrifying? It is. However, the peace that comes when one finally hands over the reigns, fully and completely, and surrenders control....it is phenomenal. Also, it's funny how it is only when you give up control that you actually feel like you have some control over things. I have no idea how I will pay my rent next month...I have no idea where I'm going to be working to get that money for the rent...and you know what??? I've never slept better in my entire life. Praise Him who is FAR more able than I to handle such things.

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Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

- Joni Mitchell "Both Sides, Now"

Contemplation on thin walls....

2007-10-14T11:30:00.000-04:00

Ick...

Last night, which by the way was A-mazing, I was SO exhausted from all of the tramping around Chicago. I decided, "Hey! It's 1:30AM, I'm tired, I think I'll go to bed!" Now, this sounds all well and good, but with Matt visiting and all, I really didn't get much sleep. I never had realized how thin the walls of my apartment are. Every little joke, insane laughter, and video game sound crept its way down the hallway, piercing through my door like a bullet train and barraging my half-awake self into a frustrated awakeness. Surely, I thought, this CANNOT last all night. They have to go to bed SOMETIME. Yeah, not so much. Come 6AM, they're finally worn out and heading to bed. WHY did it have to be the night before I have to be up to meet a friend for coffee at 9:30.

Ick...

The fascinating escapades of last night have gotten me to think. I went into my room last night expecting a place of solitude and silence. I hoped that within those enclosures, I could find rest. I found however, to my dismay, that not only could I not find rest, I would end up extremely frustrated in the end and even MORE exhausted then before. This may be a stretch, but I feel like we "wise" humans LOVE to do this with God. I am, by far, no exception. We work within our own power to create what we think we need. I can take care of things on my own. I don't need any help from anyone. I, I, I....and this is our downfall. In our attempt to create a safe haven for ourselves, we only mange to create some flimsy sort of construction....a house with weak and thin walls. Yes, it may work for a while, giving us more and more to become proud about. However, when truly tested, we find that the construct we have made for ourself is severely lacking, and in the end we are more frustrated and exhausted then before. It is fairly entertaining, albeit sad, that it is usually in our darkest and lowest places that we truly begin to seek help from our Creator. It is when we do that when He brings us into His presence, into His house, with the protection, peace, and LONG needed rest that we desperately need but are oftentimes too proud and arrogant to realize it. When we finally kick down those flimsy walls and cry out for Him....yeah....WOW, A-mazing, to say the least!

Lord, please give me what is needed to kick down these walls that I have built in my own life so that I may truly bask in Your Glory. Guide me so that when I wake up from this sleep called life, I let out a sigh of relief and rest...never "ick". Thank you!

The first in an intended line of many....

2007-10-13T00:23:00.000-04:00

This is the first blog of mine, and I would have to say that I desire it to be one that doesn't start strong and then end...which may be why I won't be sharing this address with those I know right away. Today has been an interesting day, to say the least. First of all, I woke up feeling SO exhausted, but also contemplating the message I received last night.

To fill in, I was on GCN, and I received a message from a fellow Wheaton student...which surprised me, to say the least. He expressed his surprise at seeing me on the website, and said that if I ever wanted to talk with him, I could feel free to. Now, this brought many questions to my mind. If memory serves, he was a friend with my once friendly former roommate. Yes, the same roommate who told me that he was moving out because he couldn't live in the same room as someone so sinful, so repulsive..and that even though we could never be friends in life, at least we'd be friends in heaven. Now, this really confused me, because if he's still friends with Dave, then how is he feeling comfortable being on GCN, and even contacting me. After calling Shannon and talking with Amy about it, they both were supportive in that I should extend friendship and see what happens. Today, I saw his post on the "Hello, my name is" portion of GCN, and my questions were answered. He talked about how God revealed to him many things over the past couple of years and now he was seeking friends at Wheaton, and how he was going through feelings of loneliness and depression. Also, that he had been living with guys from his church (I'm assuming the one he went to with Dave) and how they kicked him out when they found out that he was gay. Based on reading that, I SO understood what he was talking about and told him that we should hang out soon. I'll have to update on what happens with that.

Well, this AMAZING movie that we've been watching is coming to an end, and I should probably spend more time with the roommates!